Chant and Be Happy

The Magick of Chant-O-Matics by Raymond Buckland

By Mike Walsh
Published in the Philadelphia Welcomat in March 1991.

Wouldn’t you like to obtain all the pleasures this big ol’ world has to offer just for the asking? Haven’t you paid your dues like all the other hard-working stiffs long enough? Don’t you deserve every sexual pleasure known to man or beast? Of course you do, so invest $5.95 in The Magick of Chant-O-Matics by Raymond Buckland, renowned practitioner of the occult. This extraordinary book will introduce you to the rewards of chanting, an ancient yet amazingly easy, highly profitable, and richly satisfying hobby.

Right on the cover The Magick of Chant-O-Matics announces, “Whatever you need, be it power, money, a loved one, good health or protection from evil forces, this book…will help you get it.”

“Anything you desire can be yours…anything,” notes Buckland in the preface, “…not through hard, time-consuming, constant exercises…but through simple, easy-to-do rituals that are a joy to perform.”

The magick of Buckland’s book is that he has taken the rituals of old, which he says were “long and complicated,” and streamlined them. This repackaging of the ancient secrets is perfectly suited for today’s impatient, busy, highly-prioritized audience. What cold be better? He’s already done all the hard work.

Before you start, however, you must set up a Chant-O-Matic workshop. You’ll need a room to yourself, “free of interruptions” and a piece of furniture to use as an altar. “Cover you altar with a white cloth,” instructs Herr Buckland, “and in the center stand an incense-burner.” On either side of the incense you’ll need a tall, white candle. Lay The Magick of Chant-O-Matics on the altar, and your workshop is complete.

The important thing is to feel comfortable, says Buckland, so you might want to add a kneeling cushion or a personal souvenir like a religious article, your Space Needle salt and pepper set, or that Liberty Bell shot glass. I always make sure my collection of Megadeath lps are nearby, so I can clutch them to my bosom during a particularly earnest chanting session.

Next, review the 300 chants in The Magick of Chant-O-Matics, and as Buckland writes, “decide which it is to be, aim carefully, and pull the Chant-O-Matic trigger!” Here’s an easy chant to get you started. It’s for a better job.

I leave the old / I greet the new
I leave the fold / Of the stagnant crew.
To better live / To better sup
To myself I give / I move on up.

Of course, you don’t want just a better job. You want an easier job with more free time and a private office where you can chant for your supervisor’s painful death. Besides, a private office will get you away from that godawful stagnant crew.

The Magick of Chant-O-Matics has several chapters devoted exclusively to money as well. My favorite chapter is “Magic Money Chants That Can Put You Knee-Deep in Thousand Dollar Bills.” Awesome! Here’s an example from that chapter:

Suddenly I see the pile / Suddenly I hold the sum
Suddenly I end my trial / For the money — it has come!
For the money that I need / For the need that is so strong
For these words that I do read / Brings the money right along.
Brings the money without waiting / Brings the money right to me
Brings the answer to my waiting / Suddenly I will be free.

(Chanting tip: I discovered that if I recited the above chant in the nude — except for day-glo body paint — while dancing and pounding out Queen’s We Will Rock You on a set of bongos, the interest on my savings account increased by several digits. Give it a try! What have you got to lose?)

Then check your bank account at a nearby ATM, and don’t be surprised if your balance isn’t $10 to $15 higher. If you don’t get any action, try moaning this next chant to a teller at your bank:

Need, need, need / Money, money, Money!
Me, me, me / Money, money, Money!
Now, now, now / Money, money, Money!!!!

Repeat the chant two more times, louder and more insistent each time. (Anything you can do to heighten the sense of urgency or desperation will add to the overall effect of the chant.) Then, while pacing back and forth in front of your teller and letting your eyes roll backward, add this little chestnut:

Bring the money to fill the need
Now my power has done the deed
Yes, bring the money to fill the need!!!!!

Don’t be surprised if the teller or bank manager rushes to you with U. S. Savings Bonds, Certificates of Deposit, or even hard currency. They’ll do almost anything to keep you from continuing your bank-busting chant.

The Magick of Chant-O-Matics also has chapters on health and protection, but my favorite chapter addresses sexual favors. Many of the sexually-oriented chants are in ancient languages, and rightfully so, for the power of the sexual appetite knows not the boundaries of time or language. Here’s an extremely powerful one.

Malana (repeat 4x) / Com mana, com mo (3x)
Remenay (5x) / Bhava devata, Shiva, Shakti, Vidya, Kala (4x)
Roating (repeat as necessary).

You wouldn’t believe what happened to me after I uttered that chant the first time. I got this weird phone call, and then… (Editor’s Note: Mr. Walsh’s next few paragraphs were deleted because of their graphic content.) …my endurance spent, I slept well that night, and now I’m careful to never repeat that humdinger except on special occasions.

Of course, there may come a time in your life when you want just the opposite effect—to dispel another’s affections. I’ve never experienced such a predicament, but just for the sake of argument let’s say that you find yourself in this awkward situation. If so, try chanting the following:

Mana rigo (repeat 5x)
Vai — (long and drawn out) — bola! (4x)
Sartot swertom (6x) / Vendurah (7x)
Aga, aga, aga; betol, betol, betol; markoo, markoo, markoo (3x)

Repeat this chant as many times as necessary in the presence of the unwanted suitor. Sweat, pace, and quiver if possible.

If this still does not work, claw at the air like a wild animal, and shout the following in his or her face:

Divide, divide, divide the two / Talinak melinak solinak voo
Each one, each one, each one anew
Swettle mettle ragom voo … voo … VOO!!!!!

Your unwanted suitor is guaranteed to run away.

Now you probably always thought that goals such as financial well-being, a good job, and a fulfilling sex-life could only be gained through honesty, commitment, and hard work. But The Magick of Chant-O-Matics teaches us just the opposite. The message of The Magick of Chant-O-Matics is that you can get anything you want if you wish hard enough and you aren’t embarrassed to ask for it aloud.

So wise up, dummies and stop banging your head against a wall. Kick back on the Lazy-Boy, grab the remote control, a beer, some back issues of People magazine, and start chanting like a sonovabitch. What a life! What happiness! “Attainment,” your new mentor and savior guarantees, “is automatic!”


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